This OOAH track may not be new (it was uploaded to Souncloud more than a month ago), butWhile You're Away I Wait, To Crumble In Your Arms, was exactly the kind of mind-numbing musica I was in the mood for tonight. As I laid in my bed, computer on my lap, eyes closed, listening to this track, I felt an overwhelming sense of longing.
For what, or who? I'm not sure.
But, there is something about it that allowed me to clear my mind and transport myself, mind and body - even if only for a brief moment - somewhere far farrr away. To a place strikingly similar to the one that I am pictured in above, which happens to be the place on this Earth where I feel the happiest, most free, and at peace.
OOAH :: WHILE YOU'RE AWAY I WAIT, TO CRUMBLE IN YOUR ARMS
I just opened the upstairs porch door to look outside, and what I saw brought tears to my eyes.
Literally.
I was made to tie on a bikini, bake in the sun, and run my bare feet through hot beach sand; not to disappear inside a down coat, waste away dark days, or pull on boots and trudge through freezing-cold slushy snow. This cold weather gives me anxiety and conjures up in me feelings of intense desperation and desire. Ahhh...I need tea, and a hug, and to lay for long hours and laugh with you.
MS really has some balls, I tell you! Or maybe, he's just an idiot and didn't get the point when I didn't answer the first time, or second, or third. All that aside, this kid actually called me the other day and left the following message,
"Hey I'm sure you're busy but I'm in Chicago for tonight and tomorrow afternoon were going dancing tonight and I'd be cool if you came."
Baaaahahahahaha! I died, and I mean died, of laughter and shock when I read his text. Silly, silly, silly boy. This might be a fucked up thing to say, on my part, but immaturity, silliness and blatant disregard for the obvious are traits that must run in the family. The little one is just as crazy as his older brother. Those of you who are reading this and know me, as well as the family I am speaking of, know exactly how crazy this clan is and can be.
Awww mannn...if only people could see me right now. I'm sitting in my jacuzzi, with no water in it, all my clothes on, my computer in my lap and a cig in my left hand. I NEVER smoke inside my house. But, tonight I'm making an exception. I had a horrible day. I spent it sitting at my desk at work, lamenting over a forecast of definite snowfall, and the sad truth that I can't, no matter how much I want to, be with someone I care for very deeply today, which is his his birthday, or any other day until New Years Eve.
Ouch.
Every time he comes back home to visit, I tell myself to keep a distance. I tell myself not to not get so wrapped up in my feelings for him, or the intense and undeniable energy that surrounds us, hypnotizes us, when we are together. When in each others' presence, he and I lose all ability to keep our feelings, and our hands, to ourselves. So we eat each other up and whisper love into each others' ears; knowingly digging ourselves deeper and deeper, into a hole that is starting to feel impossible to crawl out of. I know that thinking about us in this way, obsessing over things that neither of us can change, and wishing the situation was different, does nothing but make me feel lost and alone (even thought I know I am not).
We fell in love unexpectedly, hard, and fast. And because of this, I know, unless I miraculously fall out of love with him, or lose him completely and find myself in a position where I am forced to move on...I won't be able to stop myself from wondering "what if" ...or let myself let him go.
There is no more love to give, no more games left to play, and no words left to say. However, I find comfort in my belief that everything, no matter how good or bad, happens for a reason.
While my best friend from high school celebrated her engagement with her family and friends (minus me - I wasn't invited), I was reuniting, yet again, with a boy she and I both have a past with. Theirs was very short-lived, while ours, at this point, seems neverending. But it does make me reflect on the past, ponder the present and daydream about the future. I wonder who's happier with their life right now...or maybe we're equally satisfied with our current state of being, even though we are in such different places in our lives. Which brings me to my hypothetic reason for her not inviting me to celebrate, even though we were (and until this point thought us to still be) very very close friends. I don't fit the "mold"...never have. I don't conform, follow the "rules," or live a "normal" life (and I mean this in soooo many ways). She is now beginning her WASPlife and I accept the fact that she had to let me go in order to do so. I'm not angry. I accept her for who she is and the choices she makes...that's what friends do. I hope she had a magical night.
As corny as it may sound...I've always believed in true love. But, lately I've begun to question the existence of such a thing. In and out of one dysfunctional relationship after another, I find myself growing more and more jaded with each passing day. My astrologist once told me that I have a tendency to throw myself full-force into relationships with men that will only leave me brokenhearted and disappointed in the end. I remember shaking my head and thinking she was an idiot, but now I am entertaining the possibility that she was right.
No matter who it is I start a relationship with, they all leave me in the end...confused, painfully in love, broken. Over and over again I involve myself with men that are either too old or too young, unstable, self-consumed, unreliable, and immature (no matter their age). It seems as if I never learn from my mistakes because no matter who it is that I become romatically involved with, in the end, I always find myself in the same heartboken and desperate situation. Maybe I fall in love too quickly, maybe I give myself and my heart to easily, who knows. However, what I am sure of is the importance of reflecting on my own actions, in order to find the root of this problem, so that I can work to change this repetitive pattern of self-inflicting pain and self-destructive behavior.
