WORD :: Self-Destructive Behavior.

As corny as it may sound...I've always believed in true love. But, lately I've begun to question the existence of such a thing. In and out of one dysfunctional relationship after another, I find myself growing more and more jaded with each passing day. My astrologist once told me that I have a tendency to throw myself full-force into relationships with men that will only leave me brokenhearted and disappointed in the end. I remember shaking my head and thinking she was an idiot, but now I am entertaining the possibility that she was right.

No matter who it is I start a relationship with, they all leave me in the end...confused, painfully in love, broken. Over and over again I involve myself with men that are either too old or too young, unstable, self-consumed, unreliable, and immature (no matter their age). It seems as if I never learn from my mistakes because no matter who it is that I become romatically involved with, in the end, I always find myself in the same heartboken and desperate situation. Maybe I fall in love too quickly, maybe I give myself and my heart to easily, who knows. However, what I am sure of is the importance of reflecting on my own actions, in order to find the root of this problem, so that I can work to change this repetitive pattern of self-inflicting pain and self-destructive behavior.

WORD :: About A Boy.

Normally I wouldn't put myself out there like this, but it's almost three and the only person I can talk to at this time of the night is myself. I started crying about half an hour ago and I just cant seem to stop. My head hurts, I'm tired, and I want to go to sleep, but I can't. I'm so angry and confused right now; angry at myself for being so stupid and careless, and confused about how this thing between he and I went from so right to so wrong and why I could do nothing to prevent our relationship from spiraling out of control.

Its not like I loved him. Really, I didn't even know him. Aside from the uncanny number of things we had in common, he was just another boy to me. Someone to focus my attention on, someone to daydream about, someone to adore me and all my flaws and perfection.

Maybe I cared about him more than I know because it takes more than just some boy to make me cry. I tried not to, fought hard, but couldn't hold it in. He said all the right things, touched me in just the right way, confided in me, kissed my forehead, dressed like a pro, and best of all, like me, was the perfect mix of hip hop and hippie. 

He got me. I wanted him to be the one to call...and he did. But, then the calls stopped. He disappeared and I blindly chased after him. I don't know why; he enthralled me. He had so much potential and I wanted to show him that. He was so young and I wanted to help him grow up. What can I say, I'm a hopeless, hopeless romantic with the heart of a saint. 

After ending a two and half year relationship, it's hard to deal with the loneliness that comes along with separating yourself from someone who you shared all of yourself and your life with. For a long time I thought I was fine, that everything would be ok, that I would find someone else to fill the void. But now, I realize this will be much harder than I had originally thought. 

I never kiss without undying passion. People say having sex is the most intimate way you can be with a person, but for me its kissing. This is a recipe for disaster. When I kiss someone, I feel like I give them a part of myself. The challenge that arises from this, is that I somehow have to find a way to regain the part of me that was lost when they are finally gone. As Nine Inch Nails sings, "There is no you. There is only me." 

See it worked. I stopped crying. Writing brings me great happiness.