WORD :: The Thought of "We" Used to Ease Me.

WORD :: The Writing On the Wall Says It All.

WORD :: The Big Chill.

I just opened the upstairs porch door to look outside, and what I saw brought tears to my eyes. 

Literally.

I was made to tie on a bikini, bake in the sun, and run my bare feet through hot beach sand; not to disappear inside a down coat, waste away dark days, or pull on boots and trudge through freezing-cold slushy snow. This cold weather gives me anxiety and conjures up in me feelings of intense desperation and desire. Ahhh...I need tea, and a hug, and to lay for long hours and laugh with you.

WORD :: I Can't Stop.

Awww mannn...if only people could see me right now. I'm sitting in my jacuzzi, with no water in it, all my clothes on, my computer in my lap and a cig in my left hand. I NEVER smoke inside my house. But, tonight I'm making an exception. I had a horrible day. I spent it sitting at my desk at work, lamenting over a forecast of definite snowfall, and the sad truth that I can't, no matter how much I want to, be with someone I care for very deeply today, which is his his birthday, or any other day until New Years Eve.

Ouch.

Every time he comes back home to visit, I tell myself to keep a distance. I tell myself not to not get so wrapped up in my feelings for him, or the intense and undeniable energy that surrounds us, hypnotizes us, when we are together. When in each others' presence, he and I lose all ability to keep our feelings, and our hands, to ourselves. So we eat each other up and whisper love into each others' ears; knowingly digging ourselves deeper and deeper, into a hole that is starting to feel impossible to crawl out of. I know that thinking about us in this way, obsessing over things that neither of us can change, and wishing the situation was different, does nothing but make me feel lost and alone (even thought I know I am not).

We fell in love unexpectedly, hard, and fast. And because of this, I know, unless I miraculously fall out of love with him, or lose him completely and find myself in a position where I am forced to move on...I won't be able to stop myself from wondering "what if" ...or let myself let him go.

WORD :: I am I.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."

Judy Garland

CAPTURED: IN DESPERATION.

THE HOLD.

What we were, and the things we did

Yes, these are things I miss

But it's what we weren't, and the things we didn't

That keep me holding on to this

WORD :: I Want.

 

I want Sansei maki rolls, enchiladas suiza con pollo - with extra sour cream, a mahi mahi burger from Paia Fishmarket and Minit Stop potato wedges. I want a freshly-baked Al’s Deli chocolate chip cookie as big as my head, a double scoop of mint chip and pb chocolate in a waffle cone, and a tub of B & J’s chubby hubby. I want some lilikoi, lychee, a tall glass of Pog and a strong margarita. 

I want more thin strap Havanians, Betsey Johnson bags, Theory tanks and AA v-neck tees. I want a couple dope MOB hoodies, some Hellz Bellz shit and two pairs of Christian Louboutin heels - one gold and one black. I want another straw fedora and pair of leopard print sunglasses, an itsy-bitsy purple brazilian bikini and a huge yellow beach towel. 

I want a yard filled with pineapple rows, lilikoi and lychee trees. I want a house - filled with laughter, love, warmth, color and music, a big kitchen, a big bed, and my own art studio - in a place where the shared mentality is, “no shirt, no shoes, no problem.” 

I want sun - the kind that beats down on you all day, hot sand under my feet and between my toes, and fat spliffs and cold beer - to waste away the beach days. 

I want a boy with a board – and a brain. 

I want to cruise - destination unknown, windows down, air smelling like sweet plumeria and salt water - rapping and singing along to songs, while beats bump and two hearts pump. 

And i want a spirit - because it's been 2 days since I had my last cig...and cold turkey is a bitch.