Awww mannn...if only people could see me right now. I'm sitting in my jacuzzi, with no water in it, all my clothes on, my computer in my lap and a cig in my left hand. I NEVER smoke inside my house. But, tonight I'm making an exception. I had a horrible day. I spent it sitting at my desk at work, lamenting over a forecast of definite snowfall, and the sad truth that I can't, no matter how much I want to, be with someone I care for very deeply today, which is his his birthday, or any other day until New Years Eve.
Every time he comes back home to visit, I tell myself to keep a distance. I tell myself not to not get so wrapped up in my feelings for him, or the intense and undeniable energy that surrounds us, hypnotizes us, when we are together. When in each others' presence, he and I lose all ability to keep our feelings, and our hands, to ourselves. So we eat each other up and whisper love into each others' ears; knowingly digging ourselves deeper and deeper, into a hole that is starting to feel impossible to crawl out of. I know that thinking about us in this way, obsessing over things that neither of us can change, and wishing the situation was different, does nothing but make me feel lost and alone (even thought I know I am not).
We fell in love unexpectedly, hard, and fast. And because of this, I know, unless I miraculously fall out of love with him, or lose him completely and find myself in a position where I am forced to move on...I won't be able to stop myself from wondering "what if" ...or let myself let him go.