This OOAH track may not be new (it was uploaded to Souncloud more than a month ago), butWhile You're Away I Wait, To Crumble In Your Arms, was exactly the kind of mind-numbing musica I was in the mood for tonight. As I laid in my bed, computer on my lap, eyes closed, listening to this track, I felt an overwhelming sense of longing.
For what, or who? I'm not sure.
But, there is something about it that allowed me to clear my mind and transport myself, mind and body - even if only for a brief moment - somewhere far farrr away. To a place strikingly similar to the one that I am pictured in above, which happens to be the place on this Earth where I feel the happiest, most free, and at peace.
OOAH :: WHILE YOU'RE AWAY I WAIT, TO CRUMBLE IN YOUR ARMS
I just opened the upstairs porch door to look outside, and what I saw brought tears to my eyes.
Literally.
I was made to tie on a bikini, bake in the sun, and run my bare feet through hot beach sand; not to disappear inside a down coat, waste away dark days, or pull on boots and trudge through freezing-cold slushy snow. This cold weather gives me anxiety and conjures up in me feelings of intense desperation and desire. Ahhh...I need tea, and a hug, and to lay for long hours and laugh with you.
MS really has some balls, I tell you! Or maybe, he's just an idiot and didn't get the point when I didn't answer the first time, or second, or third. All that aside, this kid actually called me the other day and left the following message,
"Hey I'm sure you're busy but I'm in Chicago for tonight and tomorrow afternoon were going dancing tonight and I'd be cool if you came."
Baaaahahahahaha! I died, and I mean died, of laughter and shock when I read his text. Silly, silly, silly boy. This might be a fucked up thing to say, on my part, but immaturity, silliness and blatant disregard for the obvious are traits that must run in the family. The little one is just as crazy as his older brother. Those of you who are reading this and know me, as well as the family I am speaking of, know exactly how crazy this clan is and can be.
Awww mannn...if only people could see me right now. I'm sitting in my jacuzzi, with no water in it, all my clothes on, my computer in my lap and a cig in my left hand. I NEVER smoke inside my house. But, tonight I'm making an exception. I had a horrible day. I spent it sitting at my desk at work, lamenting over a forecast of definite snowfall, and the sad truth that I can't, no matter how much I want to, be with someone I care for very deeply today, which is his his birthday, or any other day until New Years Eve.
Ouch.
Every time he comes back home to visit, I tell myself to keep a distance. I tell myself not to not get so wrapped up in my feelings for him, or the intense and undeniable energy that surrounds us, hypnotizes us, when we are together. When in each others' presence, he and I lose all ability to keep our feelings, and our hands, to ourselves. So we eat each other up and whisper love into each others' ears; knowingly digging ourselves deeper and deeper, into a hole that is starting to feel impossible to crawl out of. I know that thinking about us in this way, obsessing over things that neither of us can change, and wishing the situation was different, does nothing but make me feel lost and alone (even thought I know I am not).
We fell in love unexpectedly, hard, and fast. And because of this, I know, unless I miraculously fall out of love with him, or lose him completely and find myself in a position where I am forced to move on...I won't be able to stop myself from wondering "what if" ...or let myself let him go.
There is no more love to give, no more games left to play, and no words left to say. However, I find comfort in my belief that everything, no matter how good or bad, happens for a reason.
I have decided that I do not like the quotes on my FB page...and I am going to erase most of them now. When I read over them a little while ago, I realized they make me out to be an extremely intense, romantic at heart, jaded woman...and that is not who I am, so it is time to let them go.
GOODBYE...
Things do not change; we change. - Thoreau A kiss, and all was said. - Hugo If music be the food of love, play on. - Shakespeare We are shaped and fashioned by what we love. - Goethe If you were what you were, then you always will be. - Me
