Written on June 15, 2010.
Last night, I drove home from Evanston, through a lightening storm and pouring rain...and cried.
There was this song playing...can't remember what it was right now, but as I listened to it, I thought of him and how he is probably leaving for this epic South American adventure next year and that he'll be gone a long long time...and, even worse, that he and I may never be anything more than what we are right now...which, in all truth, ain't much at all.
Then I started to think about what someone asked me a few weeks ago...about how I will feel when the day comes that I get a phone call from him, or hear through the grapevine, that he's getting married.
This rush, of overwhelming feelings, came over my body...starting in my eyes and creeping it's way through every inch of me.
I started to shiver and ache. I felt my face swell. I blinked. Three tears dripped from my eyes, crept their way down my cheeks on to my lips, and then trickled down to where my lips meet. I opened my mouth and licked my lips, tasting the salt of my tears.
I felt nauseous as my mind raced at the thought of living the rest of my life without him.
Mannn, am I am fooling myself. I tell people I'm ok with the way things are between us; the "I love him, but we aren't together because it's better that way" nature of our relationship.
What a lie! ...a big, fat, looming over me daily, fucking lie. We aren't together because he doesn't want to be with me.
I can pretend that I don't really feel the way that I do, but what's the point, at this point?
Deny, deny, deny...I can, and do, try.
But, he and I both know the truth...I love him and I want to be with him; now, next month and next year.
And that scares the fucking shit out of me...so I can only imagine how it must make him feel.